How Sick Are You, Really?

(Note: This article previously appeared in High Country Angler Magazine)

If you’re any kind of fisherman, you’ve probably had the finger of accusation pointed at you from time to time. Usually it’s a spouse, significant other, or family member. “You think more about fishing than you do about me”. “The guy at the fly shop sees more of you than I do.” “You never look at me the way you look at that reel.”

And let’s face it, nine times out of ten it is true. There is no hiding from the fact that as fishermen, we are, to differing degrees, struck down with the sickness. For some, the symptoms are relatively mild, the cure relatively straight forward. A couple of times a year, you head to the river for some quiet time. A few hours, a clearer head, and you are back to your normal station in life, a functioning, productive human being. For others the situation is more complex, the symptoms hold deeper, the cure less attainable. Social interaction becomes problematic, personal hygiene an irrelevance, the need to have two feet planted in water somewhere an unquenchable thirst. The question that preys most on the mind is this: How sick am I? Am I sick at all? Am I OK and everyone else is sick? Jeez, doesn’t that guy with the slightly bulging eyes look like that bull trout I landed in Idaho last fall?

So how do you find out if your sickness is mild or untreatable? Where do you go for an impartial diagnosis? Certainly not to a medical doctor. They’ll either be infected themselves, or else “one of them”, that is, a non fisherman, and so in no position to make any judgements. Psychologist? What the heck would they know anyway, they’re probably too screwed up dealing with other people’s problems in the first place. Family? Gimme a break, they’re the ones pointing the finger in the first place, so no hope of impartiality there. No, the only hope is through an honest and searching self assessment.

So grab a pen, paper and a bottle of Scotch ( in vino veritas ), and take the “Is It Me, Or The Whole Damn World Who Is Sick?” test. Answer the following six questions honestly, and for each answer score the same number of points as the answer you choose.

1: You arrive home from your latest fishing trip. Your kids: 1) Rush in to your arms, and welcome you back with cries of “Did you have fun, Daddy?” and “We’re so glad your home, let’s help you unpack.” 2) Greet your arrival home with total indifference, resuming their video game with barely a glance in your direction. 3) Run screaming to their mother, yelling “Mom there’s a strange, hairy, smelly person standing in the kitchen trying to hug us!.”

2: The real reason you okayed your kids getting that new hamster was to: 1) Teach them about the responsibilities of caring for another living creature. 2) Give them something to do so they wouldn’t hassle you so much about taking them to soccer practice or dance recital. 3) That light tan patch of fur on Fluffy’s back is the perfect shade of color for those caddis nymphs you are planning to tie for your upcoming trip to Montana.

3: That attractive blonde from the accounting department has been casting furtive glances in your direction lately, and blushes slightly every time you meet her eye. You decide the best course of action is to: 1) Empty your bladder, take a deep breath and going up to her and say that although, as a fisherman, you sadly have zero social skills, you would love to take a walk along a riverbank with her sometime. 2) Ignore her, on the assumption that once she got to know you, she’d dump you anyway. 3) Just the thought of trying to initiate a conversation with her makes you empty your bladder before you make it to the bathroom.

4: Your mother calls to point out that it has been a few months since you’ve dropped by to visit, especially disconcerting considering you live only three blocks away. Your response is to: 1) Realize that she is correct, and decide to cancel that trip to the river this afternoon, and drop by and visit, and maybe mow her lawns for her. 2) You figure she is correct, you have been neglecting her lately, and decide to drop by to visit this afternoon, but, what the heck, you’ll take the 3wt along just in case there’s enough light left at the end of the day to hit the river for a few casts. 3) Patiently explain to her that for the last few weeks the blue wings have been hatching, in fact the best hatch in recent memory. It’s only supposed to last for a couple more weeks, and you’ll be around to say “hi” after that, then making a note to have her number added to your blocked caller list.

5: Your daughter comes home breathless one evening, telling you that Steve just proposed, and she accepted. They want to tie the knot at the end of June, which corresponds with the stone fly hatch in the Gunny Gorge. Your response is to: 1) Break down in tears at the thought of your little treasure getting married and leaving the nest. But Steve is a great, sober guy with a great job, and you’d hoped all along she would choose him and not that jerk on the Harley. 2) Break down in tears at the thought of your little treasure getting married and leaving the nest. But Steve is a great, sober guy with a great job, and you’ll get him a 5 wt as an engagement present, hopefully gaining a fishing buddy as well as a son in law. And thank God she didn’t pursue things with that spin fishing jerk on the Harley. 3) Break down in tears as you realize that you’ll have cancel the trip to the Gorge this year, unless you can talk her into an on river wedding. Damn, life sure would have been a heck of a lot easier if she’d just ran off with that guy on the Harley.

6: Your wife announces that she has been thinking about learning to fish. She saw on Oprah the other day how fly fishing is naturally suited to a woman’s physiology and disposition. If she likes it she’ll be able to come along on your fishing trips, and won’t that be fun? Your response is : 1) Lend her your 5 wt, and organize for her to sign on with the local outfitter’s women’s fishing program. This is your dream come true, finally something you can share together outside of your normal domestic relationship. 2) Lend her your 5 wt, and organize for her to sign on with the local outfitter’s women’s fishing program, but lovingly explain that for you, fishing is a means of having a life outside of marriage, but you are sure she’ll make many new friends along the way herself. 3) Break out in a cold sweat, and after surveying all the options, set her up with the crustiest guide you know, and tell him there’s an extra hundred in his tip if she comes home with the words “I hate fishing, and that guide’s a real jerk” on her lips.

Scoring:

6 – 8: Relax, you’re fine. In fact, getting out and fishing a little more wouldn’t do any harm.

9 -11: You still fit well within the bell curve of accepted social norms. Carry on as you are, but the need for constant self assessment is advised.

12 – 14: Check yourself into a psychiatric facility specializing in the treatment of narcissism and denial while you can still do so voluntarily. It will make it a lot easier to maybe get out later on.

15 – 18: As Macbeth stated: “ I am in blood steeped so far, that should I wade no more, returning were as tedious as the go o’er.” In other words, too late to turn back now. Withdraw immediately from society, buy that remote tract with the Unibomber shed on it you’ve always wanted anyway, ditch the razor and cell phone, and fish your ass off.

Share

So, Where The Heck is Missourah, Anyway?

I’m glad this question wasn’t on my citizenship test. I’d faithfully committed to memory the thirteen original colonies, sorted out that it was Francis Scott Key and not Brooks and Dunn who wrote The Star Spangled Banner, and learned that although at that time ( 2002 ) true executive power lay with the office of vice president, this was not the answer my interviewer was looking for. But seriously, when they were handing out the names for fledgling states, why pick a name so close to an existing state? If the guys next door had already claimed Missouri, why not accept defeat graciously and go for something more original like Victoria or North Arkansas ? Thankfully, folks from Missourah have a sense of humor ( I hope ).

As a parent of two young daughters, it gives me great pride and satisfaction to see them develop an interest in fly fishing. I like to think I am passing on to them a gift that will keep on giving, long after I am no longer around, and its about the only thing they will take instruction from their dad about. So I assume, it must be the case in the video with Bruce, fishing with his son Ben, well on his way to becoming a bona fide trout bum – every family needs at least one. Something of us lives on in the memory of another when we are gone, for better or worse. To pass on an appreciation of what matters in life, like clean water, fresh air and time spent laughing with friends and family is a goal we all should aspire to.

In many ways this day typified what I like about fall fishing. The weather was obviously perfect, the water low and clear, and the fall colors just starting to manifest along the river. Looking through the crystal clear water at the shape and tone of the rocks below make it abundantly clear that everything nature does is by design. The color and shape of the fish blends in with perfect harmony, enabling them to materialize and dissolve with phantom like qualities. With the water low and clear, they will tend to seek out the minute troughs and deeper water, darker places where they are better concealed from above. This is also the osprey’s favorite time of the year to be fishing after all.

And so into the last few weeks of the fall fishing season, before winter bites and this fisherman trades in his rod and waders for snowboard boots. There’s still time for a few more good memories to be made, perhaps a last trip to the high country, another float or two, another opportunity to acknowledge nature’s perfection.

Share

Special places….

This time of the year can certainly be a challenging one for a fisherman. As days shorten and  nights grow cooler, nature begins its slow winding down into wintertime hibernation. Insects that for the last few months have been hatching regularly and prolifically are now reaching the end of their cycle. The birds that fed on them voraciously over the summer months have moved on to warmer climes, while the fish, responding to the cooler temperatures, decreased bug activity and lower clear water, can become more selective in when and where they choose to feed.

Also by this time of the year, they have often seen it all. They’ve lunged at one too many a pmx, watched a few too many stimulators and elk hairs race by, drifting a little too fast and erratically to be true, and mused at the myriad of flies that have landed on the water surrounded by six feet of bright orange fly line. The lower, clearer water makes it harder for the angler to hide his or her blemishes and blushes. And yet, for all that, there is something about this time of the year that makes it my favorite time to be standing in a river somewhere. Perhaps it is the colors, the angle of the light, or the sense of urgency that permeates most living things as leaves turn to gold. Either way, a fall day on a quiet stretch of river is one of life’s undoubted privileges.

A week or so back, I was delighted to be able to accept an invitation to venture over to a lovely little corner of South Park to fish on the Tarryall River at Ute Trail River Ranch. The seventy acre ranch is home to over two miles of the Tarryall River, a tributary of the South Platte. For the top half of the ranch’s property, the river meanders through a lovely open meadow, before dropping into a heavily treed canyon, which was the stretch I fished. The day was perfect for a dry fly – a light overcast and still plenty of bugs flying around – the classic ingredients for getting the fish looking up. Jim and Deb open their ranch up to fly fishing through participation in the South Park Fly Fishers program.

This piece of the river had it all, from beaver ponds and slow moving pools, to riffles and tight, boulder strewn rapids. With the flow low and clear, as it usually is this late in the season, the fish were a little spooky, but I was able to get a few to take a dry fly when I got my drift right. We’ve still got a month or so of great fishing to go before Old Man Winter starts to get the upper hand, so get out and explore while you can. While the Tarryall’s big brother the South Platte gets all the attention, there are many little gems tucked away nearby, offering solitude, beauty and some great fishing.

Share

The Last Of The Summer Wine….er…Tecate

Who among us can say exactly what happened to summer? Just yesterday it seems, the trees were budding out, the kids were fresh out of school, and the anticipation of the season lay out before us like an untouched banquet. Plenty of time to leisurely sample the delights of warm summer nights, camping trips, biking, vacation time, shorts, skirts and flip flops. Then all of a sudden, you realize its September, and half the things you set out to do are still in the ‘Yet To Get To’ bin. Leaves are starting to turn, the nights drawing in and getting cooler. At my age, I am pleading with life to slow down, so rather than say ‘why can’t winter go by as fast as summer?’, I ask ‘why can’t summer go by as slow as winter seems to?’

Of course, when you are guiding, it is even harder to take time out as summer is the season for making the proverbial hay -having a lot of free time on your hands is not a good sign. But still, wouldn’t it be nice if there was say one month every year where the normal rules of economics, not to mention supply and demand, were suspended, and we could all just take time to follow our bliss. Instead, fleeting moments of relaxation and leisure must be planned and jealously guarded.

Fortunately, for most people taking a guided trip, a day on the river is such a moment, to be savored, enjoyed and filled with as much laughter and frivolity as possible. Taking things too seriously is a no-no. Acknowledging your mistakes, celebrating your inadequacies as much as your victories, and relishing the decadence of a cold beer on the river before noon are all part of the experience.

This day was just such a day. The high drama of missed hook sets, fish broken off, lines tangled and flies lost were all in evidence, as were the joys of inch perfect casts, flawless drifts and beautiful healthy fish in the net. I never get tired of hanging out with people who are intent on having a good time, and who’s first inclination is to laugh when things don’t go according to plan. Such people are fun to be with, exude healthy energy, and while summer may have gone by in the blink of an eye, they help make sure it leaves me with a smile on my face.

Share

The three essentials to a great day on the river…

I have a fishing client, who over the years has become a friend, and who always asks a question that never fails to bring a smile to my face, not to mention a rueful shake of the head.

“So, what’s the secret fly today?” Or another variation – “Where’s the secret spot today?”

Flattered as I am, it shows a fundamental lack of appreciation for what a guide brings to the table, and the realities of the life of a fish. For starters, they don’t eat twenty four / seven like teenagers. The assumption of many fishermen also seems to be that esoteric knowledge is granted us by some dark pact with Beelzebub. We trade our souls in return for a life spent on the river, carefree and immune to the laws of economics and aging. Like Faustus, essence is exchanged for the key to mysteries, mysteries denied mere mortals and especially those who only get to fish a few times a year.

The reality, of course, is quite different. In some ways, the life of a guide could be compared to being subjected to a form of Chinese water torture. Instead of the steady drip drip drip of water on the forehead, we are exposed to the daily drip drip drip of dropped back casts, poor line control, and a stoic disbelief on the part of the fisherman that fish could actually live within three feet of the bank.

As a result, you might think that when the chance of a day off comes along, most guides would retreat to the confines of their hovels, there to explore the dark recesses to be found at the bottom of a bottle of cheap scotch. While this may be true for some, most of us are drawn, like a moth to a flame, back to the river. There is a need to reaffirm for oneself that fish actually do live where you tell your clients they do, and a good drift with a mend or two makes a difference. There is a need to see a fly presented without three feet of fly line coiled around it like a protective cobra, and to see a gentle, measured hook set rather than an excited, agricultural heave.

But there is also a need to be reminded that we all make mistakes. We like to think that we are immune to the same foibles and failings to which our clients are susceptible, but the truth is usually quite different. You also relearn that fishing from a boat is difficult. With everything that is going on, it is easy to over cast, or mess up a mend, or excitedly pull the fly away from an eager fish. There is a need to remind oneself that it is really only about getting out on the water, enjoying a few belly laughs, and not taking it all so seriously.

So the answers to the questions posited above, as revealed to me by my connection to the Dark Side, are: Whatever fly is presented to where the feeding fish are, and any spot you find yourself on the river.

Share